A Legacy of Resilience

It was right before daybreak; the morning sun was peeking through the curtains of the hospital room. I had given birth to my second daughter. It was 1998. I was waiting for the staff to bring her to me to nurse and bond with her. The door creaked open, and it was my doctor. 

 He shut the door behind him, came in, and sat in the chair, in front of the window.

 "I have some news; one of your tests came back positive for an infection in your body and you're going to have to stop nursing the baby until your test comes back from the lab," he said.

 I was confused, I felt a little tired, but I thought it was from the stress of pushing for two hours trying to have a natural birth and then succumbing to a C-section.

 “What kind of infection?” I asked the doctor.

“Well, the test came back positive for HIV,” he said. “HIV? How do I have HIV?” I told him.

I knew I didn’t have HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus). I wasn’t sleeping around with other men, and I wasn’t using drugs.

 “I need you to stop breastfeeding the baby until the test comes back,” the doctor said. “We will bring in a breast pump for you to keep your milk coming in. You can tell your husband, or you can choose not to tell him, it is up to you.”

 And with that, he got up, left the room, and left me with my thoughts. I was a faithful wife and Christian mother to a 4-year-old girl, and I was looking forward to bringing home my second daughter.

 I sat in silence and immediately began praying and asking the Lord, “What do I do?” I felt disappointed that I couldn’t nurse my baby again! I couldn’t nurse my first daughter and now I can’t nurse my second daughter.

Then, fear and anxiety hit me… “What if I have HIV?” I didn’t know how I would have contracted it, but I could die, my baby could die, and my husband could die! 

 I knew I couldn’t tell my husband because he would be planning his funeral and ours too! I knew I had to keep the details to myself and with Jesus.  We will wait it out together and I will put all my trust in the Lord. Just like it says in Psalm 56:3-4: "When I am afraid, I put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust. I will not be afraid."

Then my husband, daughter, and his mother came into the room to see me and the baby. The breast pump was beside the bed, and I was bottle-feeding my baby girl. Before my husband could even ask me, I told him that the doctor told me I had an infection, and I couldn’t breastfeed until the test came back. He didn’t question it.

So, we left the hospital, and I arrived home with five more days to wait for the test results, all the while recovering from my C-section surgery and caring for my beautiful newborn.  The next five days dragged on as I waited for the test results. Occasionally, my husband could see worry on my face, I would reassure him that everything would be OK while praying to relieve the fear that tried to overcome me. I remembered this bible verse.

 "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

 Upon reflecting on the true story of my life, I have come to realize that I come from a legacy of strong women who had faith in Christ. They had resilience and perseverance, despite their trials and tribulations. I have inherited some of those traits from my mother and my grandmother, such as optimism and determination; I also believe that I have inherited a ton of resilience, which I hope, I'm modeling for both my daughters and my son, leaving a legacy.

 Generational challenges, resilience, and survival.  

 In the late 1930’s, my grandmother gave birth to a stillborn baby girl. Although it caused her grief and pain for many years, she overcame it by having two more healthy babies. Then, she discovered her husband was having an affair. After their divorce, she met my grandfather and gave birth to my mother.

 My mom had many challenges of her own. She was a teen wife and mother and unfortunately found herself in an abusive marriage. My mom and dad soon divorced; I was only three.

My mom survived. She had a strong work ethic. She supported us for nine years. She depended on her relationship with Jesus throughout her life. She surrendered her life to him at age 26, trusting in Him and His will for her life, all while surviving two more divorces, loads of rejection, and many difficult health issues. She was a strong and capable woman.

 I was raised primarily by my mother. She was a model of resilience and determination. This year is the first Mother’s Day without her, she passed away from cancer and COVID-damaged lungs in November. I miss her every day.  

My grandmother and mother have inspired me with their faith, determination, and grit. Looking back, I give them credit for how I have handled many difficult circumstances.

So, are you curious about the test results?

 After five days of being home, the phone rang very early and woke us up. I jumped up and answered it.

 “Hello?”

“Mrs. Sutton, this is Dr. Phillips, your test came back negative.”

“Thank you so much, Doctor!”

 I hung up the phone and burst into tears with relief.

“You better not have been hiding nothing from me!” My husband said half asleep.

“The doctor thought I had HIV!” I responded while crying, with tears rolling down my cheeks.

“OH! I’m glad you didn’t tell me” He said.

 Then, I told him the whole story and what I had been going through for the last week. He admitted that he wouldn’t have been able to handle it the way I had; full of faith, courage, and being very resilient.

Article written by Kimberly Sutton freelance writer and photographer. Kimberly Sutton is a wife of 34 years, a mother of three, and a grandmother of two. Alongside her husband, she has served in ministry for over 30 years as pastors, church planters, evangelists, and missionaries. She holds a Bachelor of Science degree in Communications/Journalism from Evangel University.